Have you ever been in a situation where you say one thing, but really, you mean something totally different?
I’m not talking about lying. I’m talking about situations when, given various circumstances, you’re required to substitute your real thoughts with whatever is thought to sound best.
For example, it’s when your boss asks if you mind staying late on a summer Friday, when your doctor asks if you smoke or do drugs or when your friend asks if her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is prettier than her.In situations like these, you can’t always say what you mean, especially if what you mean is just plain mean (or if it means you will end up being fired or sent to rehab as a result).
Instead of speaking the truth,you tell your boss, “Sure, no problem,” so you don’t get fired; you tell your doc “recreationally,” so theydon’t know that what medical professionals consider alcoholism you consider dinner; and you tell your friend that her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is heinous because you don’t want her swan diving over some scumbag and his smoking hot new girlfriend.
Constantly, we find ourselves here: feeling forced to spew out polite-sounding sentiments, simply for the sake of sounding a certain way when speaking to certain people. Whether it’s to our boss, our doctor, our best friend or even to our significant others, the reason we feel the need to say what sounds right is simple. We need our boss to pay us, we need our doctor to give us Adderall, we need to keep at least one friend who isn’t annoying in our good graces and we need our boyfriends to not realize how crazy we are until they propose.
However, as with anything, when it comes to saying things for the sake of sounding right, there is a time and a place for it. It’s sort of OK when we do it at work or at the doctor or even with our friends. But when it comes to relationships, it’s complicated.
Saying things to sound right to SOs is different. While we may want the rest of the world to buy our bullshit, we only want our SOs to buy it some of the time. Sure, we want our boyfriends to believe us when we say, “Your mom is fab” because we want them to think we like their moms so they’ll marry us.
But on the other hand, when we say things like, Have fun at boys’ night,” we don’t want this bullshit to be believed. We want them to know we’re bluffing and want them to make the “right” decision, which is them deciding not to go, coming home with flowers, offering to cuddle the entire night and then agreeing to watch “Bridesmaids” with us.
What’s more confusing is when we bring this habit into the bedroom. When it comes to the shit we’re saying during sex, unfortunately, we aren’t able to flip a light switch and just become these open, honest creatures radiating with transparency and directness.
Equally as unfortunate is, with that, we have sort of dug a hole for ourselves. Because when it comes to orgasms, here too, we sadly aren’t able to flip a light switch and just cum. So, as you can see, it’s quite complicated.
Asolution to this problem sounds simple, maybe even obvious. It’s like, ladies, let’s just stop being full of shit all the time with our boyfriends and tell it like it is.But, let’s be real: If we did that, the holy union of matrimony would cease to exist, and shortly after that, the human race would be long gone, as well.
The bottom line is, we’re never going to stop doing this. The female mind is complicated, and women will always say certain things to sound right, and thus, their boyfriends will always have the daunting daily task of deciphering such diluted diction. However, one aspect is doable: deciphering female dirty talk.
While you may never know what she actually means when she makes comments like, “It’s interesting how close you and your female co-worker are, you will know what she means when she says any of these 10 things.
Below is your chick-to-dick translator, your female dirty talk defined. You’re welcome:
1. “I really want you to fuck me.”
Translation: While I appreciate you going down on me for this long and all of the hard work you’re putting into it, and while yes, your finger action in addition to your tongue is totally a nice touch and does, indeed, feel good, I’m kind of bored.
Can we just do it already?
2. “You’re so hard.”
Translation: This phrase has multiple translations. Just be cognizant of the context, and you will know which one applies. Below are your top three most likely translations.
a. Yay! You’re hard! We don’t have to do that awkward impotence dance when you can’t get your dick up because you’re drunk or just being a human.
By awkward impotence dance, I mean, like, when your dick doesn’t get hard or won’t stay hard, and then you act all butt hurt like your alpha male pride is crushed. And now, instead of stroking your hard dick (because it’s soft), we have to stroke your manhood and build your ego up all while simultaneously reassuring ourselves quietly in our head that no, it had nothing to do with the fact we didn’t shower after Pilates.
b. We fucked a bro once in college whowould basically bust almost immediately after we said it, so we kind of just think this is the activation code for all men. And despite the fact we are totally enjoying the sex, we came like 10 minutes ago and now just want a glass of water. But, it’s hard to get up and get a glass of water in the middle of the dirty dance because then we’ll have to start all over again.
c. Just like your egos get hurt when your dicks get soft, our egos get hurt when your dick works more operationally than enthusiastically. It’s like, yeah, we can fuck your semi-hard dick, but we know you can do better.
Are we not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? Do you have a fetish you’re not telling us about? I’ll try it if youjust talk to me about it… Am I supposed to put my finger in your butt?
What it comes down to is, semi-hard dicks are distracting for women. So when you’re so hard it’s like, Yes, this is great. Fuck me with your really hard dick. I am Gigi. I am Bella. I am ‘America’s Next Top Model.’”
3. “Choke me.”
Translation: Either lightly choke her or just like put your fucking hands anywhereon her body at this point. We need to feel your full five fingers planted somewhere on our body, so if you’re not grabbing our ass, boobs, legs, back, whatever, then just fucking choke us a little.
Some safe, consensual BDSM never hurt anybody. We just need to feel your hands on us when you’re inside us.
4. “Are you close?”
Translation: Once again, multiple meanings. The top two most likely are listed below.
a. This girl is either an undergrad or, like, just shy and insecure and doesn’t understand sex fully yet. She just wants to make sure you finish.
She’s not the, “my body’s a temple” kind of girl. She’s the, “my body is your vessel” type of girl. She will get over that. It’s an age thing, or she just has yet to come into her sexual own.
b. She’s, like, literally your wife, and you guys have been trying for months now. She’s ovulating so she needs to know when you’re close so she can get into the optimal fertilization position.
Translation: Guys, please listen to this translation because you basically fuck it up every time. Harder, translates to harder, NOT FASTER. The definition of hard as an adjective means, like, solid, firm. Used as an adverb, in the case of “fuck me harder,” it means to give her nice, hard, deep thrusts.
The only time she would ever want you to speed up would be if she literally said faster, but I feel like she probably wouldn’t? I mean, unless you guys literally need to be somewhere in 20 minutes, and she still needs dry her hair. Then you can, like, actually go faster.
6. That’s it.
Translation: Literally, that is the spot. That’s it. Like, stay exactly where you are. Why do you translate “that’s it” to “this is that?” That might be this, but that before was literally it.
So, why do you have to hear that, and then do something different? Is this something we should start doing the opposite of? If we say, “that’s not it,” will you guys stay put?
7. Does it feel good?
Translation: Also literal. Does it? Because if it doesn’t, then can I untangle by body from this absurd pretzel position I’m in?
If it doesn’t feel good, that’s fine. But if so, I’ll take my legs back. This isn’t yoga, but it is similar in the sense that if the inversion doesn’t feel good, then that’s OK. We can go ahead and modify the pose and just leave it out of our practice for today.
Also, like with the yoga thing, if we wanted to stay in one uncomfortable position for a really long time, we would just go to a hot yoga class.
8. Do you like fucking me?
Translation: Again, literal. Do you? We just need to hear it. And we also need to hear how much you love our personalities. But, you can tell us about that after. During, just let us know you like fucking us.
9. I’m close.
Translation: Again, please listen. “I’m close” is similar to “right there.” It’s us saying what you’re doing is working, hence we are close. So, keep doing what you are doing.
Now is not the time to do anything different. If you’re following directions on Waze and it says you are one minute from your destination with zero traffic, you wouldn’t start heading a different direction and hope it reroutes. It’s, like, what would be the point of that? It’s the same with “I’m close.” There’s no point to change it up.
10. I’m cumming.
Translation: We’re mid-orgasm here, so unless we say, “I came” again, you keep doing what you’re doing. Also, the female orgasm works differently. It lingers on a bit longer, so you keep going until we say cut.
There you have it. These are all the basics, loosely defined. Hopefully this provides men with a higher level of understanding and women with higher levels of satisfaction.
One last thing: When she says, You’re the biggest I’ve ever been with, she’s lying, but she does love you.