A super-serious debate with the cast of the sketch comedy show Loiter Squad.
Earlier last month, Odd Future — Tyler the Creator, Earl Sweatshirt, Taco Bennett, Lionel, Jasper Dolphin, OG Juan, and Big Cam — stopped by the BuzzFeed New York office to participate in a serious debate with our editors. We presented them with hard-hitting topics, ranging from mermaid sex to Beyoncé and Solange, and tried to gain an in-depth perspective about the Loiter Squad cast.
We presented the guys with a series of questions — these are their answers.
Would you rather have a dragon or be a dragon?
Jasper: I’m gonna draw a dragon. …How the fuck do you draw a dragon? Oh, I know how.
Earl: That is not a dragon, T.
Tyler: It is a dragon. I’m a dragon, I don’t understand! It says “ME!” I’m a dragon. That’s fucking fire, bro.
Jasper: I like dragons.
Tyler: I’m a dragon, I don’t understand. It says, “Me. I am a dragon.”
Big Cam: Be a dragon while having a dragon.
Any other thoughts on dragons?
Earl: ANY THOUGHTS ON DRAGONS? Do you really wanna crack that safe right now? Any thoughts on dragons…
Jasper: I like dragons!
Who would you rather fight: the Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles?
Tyler: I’m not even with [either of] them.
Taco: Power Rangers at the end of the day are just regular human beings. Turtles can walk with their hands.
Jasper: There’s five Power Rangers, right?
Tyler: I got a cut on my foot — how did the happen? Was that when we was fighting in the elevator on the way up here?
Earl: I’m not gonna tell you who I’m gonna beat up and who I’m not gonna beat up.
Jasper: I’d fight the Power Rangers ‘cause they suck.
But there’s two ladies in the Power Rangers, so….
Jasper: But you didn’t know that there’s a secret Ninja Turtle that’s a girl!
Earl: Absolutely not! If you decide to become a Power Ranger, that means I can sock you. I’mma come clean.
Jasper: And on top of it, I don’t wanna touch no turtle! You might get a little disease.
OG Juan: Salmonella.
Earl: Right, right. They do carry that.
Jasper: Especially those little baby turtles. You can’t have those in America. That’s the law.
Earl: That’s gross. And they’re mutant ninja turtles, bro.
Beyoncé or Solange?
Earl: Come on, bro.
Lionel: That’s easy.
Jasper: That’s easy as fuck.
Taco: In what, though. In a fight?
Tyler: Depends on what.
Taco: Yeah, like, sex or marriage or what?
Tyler: Like, I’d probably rather kick it with Solange.
Earl: Solange is the people’s Beyoncé!
Jasper: So we’re not talking about sex?
Jasper shows off his answer, which says “Jay Z.” Everyone laughs.
Taco: Beyoncé’s a babe, so Beyoncé.
Big Cam: Solange, because I respect her fighting skills.
Lionel: I could beat Beyonce in a foot race, Solange looks fast. I wasn’t sure what the question was.
Would you rather have a permanent unibrow or no eyebrows at all?
Jasper: No eyebrows! I’d be Super Saiyan 3.
Lionel: I just put “badass.”
Earl: I’d just fall through like a corn dog every day. Start calling me CD.
So why unibrow?
Lionel: Why a unibrow?
Earl: What the fuck, it looks like you mean business if you have a unibrow, yo. Either that or you murder n***as.
Big Cam: I’d rather have a unibrow, dude.
Jasper: So, Cam??? You don’t wanna be Super Saiyan 3?
Earl: Y’all n***as is weird. I don’t want eyebrows now.
Big Cam: I’d rather have a unibrow.
Jasper: You don’t wanna be Super Saiyan 3?
Big Cam: Yes, that’s what I’m saying, Jasper.
Jasper: What type of shit is that?
Big Cam: We have different views!
Earl: I don’t want eyebrows. I’m honestly off eyebrows now.
Taco: Eyebrows, society makes you think that you need to have them. And really I think I might shave my brows.
Earl: Right, right. I used to be really into brows but I got accepted into art school and now I’m just over brows.
Taco: I also shave my dick.
Earl: I started shaving my dick; I’m over brows.
Taco: Yo, didn’t that n***a from Wu-Tang cut his dick off?
Earl: (To Taco) Can you relax, bro?
poTaco: This n***a cut his dick off, bro! He went to art school and got over it. He’s like, “I’d rather just be a human. I don’t wanna be a guy or girl. I just wanna able to shit, and like…”
Earl: Going to art school and getting over it is a type. “Like, I was really into having a dick before art school!”
Is that really what happened? Wasn’t it actually kind of a sad story? [Ed.: It was.]
Earl: Nah, just art school.
Taco: I don’t know, I think it was just from the art school.
Earl: “I was really into food before art school.”
Taco: “…but now I don’t eat anything but dirt or yogurt.”
Princess Bubble Gum, Lumpy Space Princess, or Marceline?
Taco: To fuck?
However you want to interpret the question.
Taco: Princess Bubble Gum is smart as fuck. I’m NOT fucking Lumpy Space Princess ‘cause that’s a n***a!
Tyler: You can kick it with her though.
Earl: That’s why I fuck with Lumpy, that’s why I fuck with Lumpy.
Jasper: ‘Cause she talk like thiiiiis.
Earl: ‘Cause Lumpy’s cool though! You can kick it with Lumpy.
Taco: She looks like she’s a freak, like she might choke you.
Jasper: I don’t think you can get with Marceline ‘cause she’s a vampire. Vampires don’t have eyelids.
Taco: I don’t know how to spell Marceline’s name so I’m gonna put “MR.”
Earl: (To Big Cam) You indecisive n***a.
Taco: Yo, look what he wrote! Juan wrote “dick”!
Mini-golf or real golf?
Jasper: Real golf ‘cause you can smoke blunts on the course!
Earl: I don’t like the place [that question] put me.
Taco: (Points to his answer, which says “Taco Woods”) It’s the start of a whole new life, bro.
OK, so why do you prefer real golf?
Taco: N***a, do you realize Tiger Woods made a billion dollars, had to split it with a bitch. That’s why you don’t get married! Know what I’m saying?
Earl: Whatever happened to Tiger Woods? That n***a coolin’. Have you seen photos of Tiger Woods recently?
Taco: Yo, Tiger Woods got rid of $500 million and is still happy. Tiger Woods ain’t tripping on shit! He dicked down a hundred bitches, gave $500 million away, don’t talk to his kids, still got another bad bitch!
Earl: My n***a Tiger Woods gonna get a face tat! Tiger Woods don’t give a fuck! I fuck with Tiger Woods, he’s punk rock.
Taco: Tiger Woods has actually had the craziest four years of his life. Won the PGA twice and some shit, got married, got divorced, had some kids, don’t know about ‘em, fucked a few porn stars, and sent really weird text messages. He said, “Yo, I really wanna put my dick in your asshole.” That was a text message in the thing.
Would you rather poop a softball or sweat mayo?
Jasper: I ain’t putting no ball in my ass. That’s weird.
Taco: I fucking hate mayonnaise, bro! But I do not want a softball coming out of my asshole, bro!
Earl: You’re gonna have to explain to bitches that you don’t shit softballs. And if you sweat mayonnaise, everybody will be looking at you like, “Damn, that n***a was cool before he looked greasy all the time.”
Taco: But you’d have to hide the softball thing; you could not let anybody know. If you’re in the bathroom you’d just have to listen to really loud music, like listen to some hardcore shit.
Jasper: I’m doing both. Fuck it. I’m sweating mayonnaise while shit is coming out of my ass.
Earl: It just got really dark.
Jasper: Hey, as long as I’m happy doing it.
Earl: Why would you wanna sweat mayo, my n***a? No one is fucking with you! You want all your shirts to smell like old sweat? You’re gonna smell like old mayo.
Big Cam: Rollin with the softball. I’ll deal with the struggle every once in a while.
Tyler: Yo, more questions like this.
OK! Well, would you rather have Cheetos dust permanently on your fingers or be sexually attracted to fruit?
Jasper: Yo, I’m fucking an apple!
Earl: What the fuck? Those are both flat options because fruit don’t have no type of emotions. I don’t have to worry about no extras with fruit. And Cheetos dust is wack! I would never be struggling. I could fuck everything and always eat.
Juan: Are you attracted to eating a fruit too?
Yeah, sure! It’s a weird situation either way.
Jasper: On top, I’m fucking a pineapple, banana, grapes, and an apple.
Earl: You can’t present me two excellent-ass options like that and expect me to choose. I would love to have Cheetos fingers.
You’re alone, trapped on a desert island, and there’s another person there: man or woman, your choice. Is the other person half fish from the waist up, or half fish from the waist down?
Taco: Dang. I’m gonna get mermaid head, its gonna be crazy.
Jasper: Does the fish have a pussy though?
No, it’s a fish!
Jasper: Fish got pussies!
Do they though?
Jasper: I’m fucking a fish in the asshole then.
Lionel: Half fish from the waist down. That’s how I am, too. Seriously, look at my jeans.
Taco: Mermaid head is gonna be crazy wet.
Earl: I don’t like this. The pussy is going to be in a strange place. I don’t like this question.
Jasper: I like this question! I’m fucking a fish in the ass.
Taco: (Singing) Mermaid bitch, and she gon’ suck on my dick! And her coochie would be wet! Mermaid head, that shit was really wet!
Would you rather have a vagina in the middle of your head or a row of dicks down your back like a stegosaurus?
Taco: I could get head so many times though!
Earl: Yo, the pussy on the head, that shit hard.
Juan: What if a n***a grabbed your head and raped you though?
Lionel: What happens when you wear a shirt and get a boner? Wait, do you have to pee out of all of those?
Jasper: Pussy on my face! And I ain’t got no worries.
Taco: Wait, are some of them smaller than others, or are they all the same size?
Earl: C’mon, bro. You DO NOT want a row of dicks on your back!
Taco: Yeah, but what about your period?
Earl: Oh shit…
Taco: I’m a dick dinosaur!
Lionel: I almost fucked up and wrote “row of dicks” — that would’ve been weird.
Earl: A row of dicks on your back? Think about you gotta wash each individual dick in the shower.
Earl: Ow! This sharp-ass paper just assaulted me. I think my time here is done.
Earl: (Reads Juan’s answer) You nasty-ass n***a! I’ll take the pussy…
Taco: Juan also has on a turban.
Earl: Right. He’s the intellectual weird homie…
Taco: Juan wants a pussy on his face.
Jasper: That’s what it’s like a have a pussy on your face. (Holds his drawing on his forehead)
Would you rather be 4’4” or 7’7”?
Taco: 7’7”. I’m going straight to the league, n***a! We getting buckets!
Lionel: You can’t do shit fun if you’re 7’7”.
Taco: You can have a jet if you’re in the NBA ballin’.
Jasper: Yeah, your legs are getting fucked up after one year.
Taco: Damn, your dick gon’ be small as fuck if you look at it from afar. ‘Cause if it’s a normal-size dick and you a 7-foot-tall n***a, your shit is going to look fucked up.
Jasper: I’m 4’4” wit it, up top. I’m down with eating pussy standing up.
Tyler: Yeah I’m 4’4” wit it.
Earl: Right! I’m out here getting picked up by bitches to kiss. I’m a ninja ‘cause I’m little. I can get in and out of places easily. C’mon, y’all. It’s all about subtlety. Who the fuck could be subtle at 7’7”?
Taco: Fuck that! We going to the league, kid! We gonna have the jumper too! I’m gonna bang out on everybody. I’m the new Yao Ming.
Earl: Nah, I’mma be having my girl pick me up so I can kiss her on the mouth.
If you had to listen to one genre of music for the rest of your life, would it be dubstep or disco?
Taco: That was way too easy!
Earl: Yeah, pick some more fucked up genres. Like, reach.
OK, swedish punk metal or mariachi music?
Taco: Swedish black metal!
Jasper: I would just listen to the song “Eye to Eye” over and over again.
Earl: You know I need that Swedish black metal. I ain’t got time to be romantic. Mariachi music would have me soft. Swedish black mafia will have me ready for the fucking apocalypse.
Taco: If I’m about to get in a fight and some mariachi music comes on I’m getting hype as fuck.
Earl: Your life would be way too funny if all you listened to was mariachi music. People will take you seriously if you only listen to Swedish black metal.
Juan: How do you spell “mariachi”?
Taco: Fuck it! Just write “Mexican music.”
Would you rather live in a world where you could talk to animals or in a world where hoverboards exist?
Tyler: I’d rather talk to animals. Dude, whales are so sick.
Earl: How much do you wanna know, like, what the fuck a cat is seeing? Or what a hoverboard is like?
Taco: Think about a squirrel, like, how fast they would talk.
Juan: And if you talk to them, you could convince them to do shit too.
Taco: Or a squirrel! Think about what squirrels would talk about, how fast they would talk!
Earl: Fucking crazy.
Taco: It’s fucking insane!
Juan: You could talk to them and convince them to do shit, too.
Earl: Imagine if you could manipulate a bear, my n***a!
That would be scary though!
Earl: Imagine if you’re looking into bear’s brain, especially as a woman?
Taco: Would you rather have sex with a fish or a mammal?
No one here likes hoverboards?
Jasper: I’m talking to birds.
Taco: Who picked hoverboard?
Earl: If you picked hoverboard — honestly, fucking grow up.
Japser: (Laughing, holds up notebook) No, I fucking drew a bird.
So now we’re gonna take the pads away and ask some questions about your Adult Swim show Loiter Squad.
So, let’s get serious…ish. What is your favorite favorite place to loiter?
Jasper: Inside of a lake!
Seems like you had that answer planned.
Earl: How the fuck did that just happen? I think Jasper just kind of killed that, let’s just go on to the next [question] — I can’t.
Juan: He gave up the location.
Earl: Wow. That was over fast.
Why don’t you like the “Trapped With Tyler” sketch?
Earl: Who’s that?
Tyler: That shit’s not funny.
Earl: What is that?
Tyler: That “Trapped With R. Kelly” [sketch]…
Earl: I haven’t even seen it.
Big Cam: There’s nothing to see…
Tyler: I just wish that that wasn’t in my fucking… like I don’t regret shit, I probably had two embarrassing photos from when I was 15…and…
Earl: And… (Puts up hand) you also got a video…from a talent show…that I’m still trying to find.
Tyler: I’m actually not embarrassed at that.
Earl: Then you need to show us then!
Tyler: Did you just say you suck loser dick, Jasper? Didn’t you just whisper back here? Right, Lionel? You’re such a fucking idiot. Everyone hates you.
Jasper: (Holds up pad) That’s funny because the sun is out — and the moon — and I’m at the lake. How do you feel about that?
Tyler: Are you smiling or…? (At picture)
Jasper: Fuck no, I’m serious right now. Look how serious I look.
Lionel: Where are your eyebrows?
Jasper: Look, I’m Super Saiyan 3.
You guys have dressed up and parodied many people on the show — how do you decide who’s worth parodying?
Tyler: (Pointing at Earl) Well he has a crush on Joe Budden, that’s why he did that.
Who can we expect to see on Season 3?
Jasper: I’m on there!
Cameron and Earl point at Taco.
Tyler/Earl/Cam: Jasper’s definitely on there.
Jasper: Yup, and I’m climbing a mountain. (Turns around his pad to show himself climbing a mountain) I don’t know, but I’m still gonna climb a mountain. I’m climbing a mountain, y’all.
Earl: That’s T, man. (Pointing at Tyler) That’s T.
Tyler: It’s not that dark though.
Jasper: I’m gonna draw a yacht.
Can y’all explain your love of John Stamos? Or is it not real?
Tyler: Well, if I’m being 100% honest, like, it’s one n***a here who is in love with him. And I’m not gonna say nothing but he knows who he is.
Jasper: Who are we talking about?
Big Cam: John Stamos.
Earl: I’m not in love with John Stamos.
Taco: Who is John Stamos?
Big Cam: Everyone’s getting mad right now, and I don’t give a fuck.
Lionel: Thebe, we all know it’s you.
Earl: We all know which white dudes I love and it’s not John Stamos. We all know that list starts with none other than Brad Pitt. We all know this. As it fucking should. I keep shit real, bro. I don’t have time for John Stamos… Brad Pitt is on top right now; he just saved the world from zombies. Don’t talk to me.
So the consensus is yay/nay?
Earl: (thumbs up) We’ll give John Stamos a 6 out of 10. Slightly above average. But Brad is 9.
Not even a 9?
Earl: I don’t know. I think Brad is better.
Jasper: Yeah, that’s how he’s always talking about his bae. Did you see her twerking it at the Miley Cyrus party?
Earl: Lil Mama? Like “Lip Gloss”?
Jasper: Dude, she was dancing on Domo at the Miley Cyrus party.
(Earl’s jaw drops)
Tyler: She fucked him in the ass.
Earl: Bro, the camera is rolling. This is foul.
Tyler: Lil Mama fucked Domo in the ass.
Earl: (Shrugs, hands in the air) All right. You heard it first.
Tyler: Yo, not only did she fuck him in the ass, she had sex in his ass.
Earl: That was foul. That was foul.
Tyler: (To Earl) Did you say that originally?
So, moving on, your theme song is pretty legendary…
Earl: We’ve got some new shit.
You have a new theme song?
Earl: (Puts finger to lips) Shhhh.
So why do y’all love cheese so much?
Earl: That shit’s just swag, you feel me?
Earl: Swag swag.
Lionel: We’re all lactose.
What about writing sketches? How long does it take?
Tyler: About three minutes, probably.
Earl: Sketches that stick, probably take about 30 seconds to come up with. Sketches that suck take two hours to come up with.
Tyler: “Yo, what if someone put a fist in their ass and cum’d on themselves, right?” And I’m just, like, saying that randomly. Then Lionel will be like, “Hahah, oh shit. And then the n***a—” and then Cam will be like, “And then the n***a—” and then it’s done. Twenty-eight seconds, tops.
Jasper: I walk in late to meetings, though.
Taco: I never go.
Earl: (Pointing to Taco, Jasper) Yeah, they don’t come.
Lionel: Jasper comes in late sometimes.
Jasper: I say two things and then I go to the snack room and then I try to go to sleep.
Lionel: Yeah he goes and sleeps in his car.
Earl: This is low-key, the writers’ section over here. (Pointing to Lionel and Cameron)
So if you don’t show up to the meeting does bad stuff get written about you?
Earl: Nah, nah.
Earl: Because we’re the tyrants of that area. It’s a real shitshow if you work at the Loiter Squad office. It’s rough for you.
Do you guys haze new employees?
Earl: Nah, it’s just violent.
Tyler: I’ll sexually harass people.
Earl: And he’ll sexually harass people. He harasses everyone. But you guys are straight, though, because you guys are girls.
(Tyler and Earl start singing Macy Gray)
Tyler: Macy Gray’s so tight.
At the beginning of each episode you guys talk about how you’re all professional stuntmen. What kind of training does it take to do what you guys do?
Lionel: Rigorous hours.
Taco: I did six years of training in college.
Tyler: I was born this wayyyy. (Imitating Steven Tyler)
Jasper: He woke up like this.
(Tyler gets up and walks over to Clancy)
Tyler: Bonnie, is that cool? I couldn’t stop. Born this waaay. Jasper trying to fuck with it. Oh, it’s “walk this way,” huh.
Earl: Yeah, there’s “Walk This Way”…
Jasper: I thought that was some original shit, bro. You stole that? I’m gonna take two of my Ls off of that (Pointing to pad) — I was like, “Laugh laugh laugh laugh.”
Do you think Matt and Hal would ever join in on a sketch?
Lionel: (Laughing) Hal…
Earl: Oh, I don’t know!
Jasper: Who is Matt and who the hell is Oliver?
Taco: Oh, Matt Martians? I don’t know why he’s never been in the show. Syd’s been in the show.
Earl: We definitely need Matt Martians on the show. And yeah, Syd’s on the show.
Jasper: Matt wears sweats everyday.
Earl: Yo, low-key we need Hal on the show.
Taco: No we don’t.
Lionel: Yes we do.
Taco: If Hal turned around like that squirrel! You know the squirrel on YouTube that turns around and is hella mad?
Earl: I don’t know the squirrel from YouTube.
Taco: Oh, it’s a chipmunk.
Tyler then leaves and decides to bring BuzzFeed editors Chelsea, Emily, and Erin into the interview. Chaos ensued — mostly fun, chaos though — that left the scene of the interview like this:
But only because Tyler tripped.
Video available at: http://buzzfeed-video1.s3.amazonaws.com/video/2014/06/05/breakage-624×350.mp4.
Loiter Squad airs Thursdays at midnight on Adult Swim.
Special thanks to Arianna Rebolini and Dave Stopera for their questions, and to all of BuzzFeed’s New York City office for dealing with approximately 45 minutes of rowdiness on the day of this interview.