60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The “Bachelor” Book

Bachelor winner Courtney Robertson’s new book, I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, about the show and her relationship with Ben Flajnik, is the stuff of nightmares.

1. Courtney Robertson begins her book with the show’s end — the day of Ben’s proposal (and the dumping of Lindzi) in the stunning Swiss Alps. What was Courtney thinking at the time?

Courtney Robertson begins her book with the show's end — the day of Ben's proposal (and the dumping of Lindzi) in the stunning Swiss Alps. What was Courtney thinking at the time?

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ABC

“What else was running through my head besides avoiding bad angles? Ben Flajnik. My love. My soul mate. My future husband — if he proposed today.”

All of this — and so much more! — is detailed in I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, which was released this week. Courtney “won” the 16th season of ABC’s The Bachelor after stealing Sonoma winemaker Ben Flajnik’s heart. As anyone who watched that season knows, their story was a mess!

2. As the show’s climax approached, Courtney did not want to think about her rival, Lindzi, who apparently was prone to making jokes about her last name, Cox.

As the show's climax approached, Courtney did not want to think about her rival, Lindzi, who apparently was prone to making jokes about her last name, Cox.

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ABC

“I didn’t want to think about Lindzi. Instead I thought about Ben and his — cox. We’d had sex three times in the Fantasy Suite at a hillside chalet in the beautiful Swiss town of Interlaken, so I couldn’t wait to be with him again.”

3. In the book’s prologue, Courtney also engages in self-reflection.

In the book's prologue, Courtney also engages in self-reflection.

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ABC / Via wordpress.com

“I’m not going to lie. I was a bitch to some of the girls in the house.”

4. It was all worth it for Ben, though.

It was all worth it for Ben, though.

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ABC

“On our overnight date, in between our sex sessions, we stayed up all night talking because we wanted as much time together as possible. In the Fantasy Suite we’d lain in bed, facing each other, listening to Bon Iver, with a fire crackling.”

5. Or was it? Finally officially together, if still under the veil of secrecy, Courtney begins to get to know Ben off-camera in the days after the proposal. He doesn’t seem to want to be alone with her, and also…

Or was it? Finally officially together, if still under the veil of secrecy, Courtney begins to get to know Ben off-camera in the days after the proposal. He doesn't seem to want to be alone with her, and also...

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Disney/Pixar

“The second night we all watched Finding Nemo together. I was horrified to learn that Ben knew every line, which he recited during the movie.”

6. It’s foreboding. Prologue over. We find out about Courtney’s young life, growing up in a close family in Scottsdale, Ariz., Dawson’s Creek caused her sexual awakening.

It's foreboding. Prologue over. We find out about Courtney's young life, growing up in a close family in Scottsdale, Ariz., Dawson's Creek caused her sexual awakening.

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The WB

“But it was a particularly steamy make out session between Joshua Jackson and Michelle Williams on Dawson’s Creek one summer evening that sent me over the edge. … I’d heard my friends joking about ‘flicking the bean,’ and it was like an animal instinct kicked in. I put my hand down south and went to town.”

Soon she was “paddling the pink canoe so much my hand was getting cramped.”

7. She began to date, and found a boyfriend of sorts: “The golf course became our go-to spot for many future fellatio fests.”

She began to date, and found a boyfriend of sorts: "The golf course became our go-to spot for many future fellatio fests."

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seamartini/seamartini

8. She was becoming a woman! In every way.

ABC

 

“I had an absolutely gigantic bush. Nobody ever told me or taught me how to shave down there.”

9. Her boyfriend had opinions about her body. “After he put his hand down my pants during the movie Shrek, he made a stinkface, said ‘Whoa!’ and requested that I tame the beast.”

Her boyfriend had opinions about her body. "After he put his hand down my pants during the movie Shrek , he made a stinkface, said 'Whoa!' and requested that I tame the beast."

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DreamWorks

10. Never the best student, Courtney decided to go into modeling. She did well, and made a great living.

60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The "Bachelor" Book

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MTV / Via wordpress.com

She tells of working with Jessica Simpson, who had just split from Nick Lachey: “She spent most of the day holed up in her candle-lit dressing room, drinking carrot juice, and blasting Sinead O’Connor’s ‘Nothing Compares to You.’”

11. Based in Los Angeles, and single, Courtney met Adrian Grenier and Jesse Metcalfe at the same time. (She seems to have a type.)

HBO

ABC

 

“The next day, I got a text from Adrian, who made good on that dinner invite. I said yes, but truthfully wasn’t that excited about it. I really wished it’d been Jesse.”

12. Revelation No. 1 about Adrian Grenier: He did not know how to pronounce “Prius.”

Revelation No. 1 about Adrian Grenier: He did not know how to pronounce "Prius."

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Handout / Getty Images

“Adrian picked me up that night in the new eco-green car that was all the rage, his ‘Pry-ous,’ as he called it.”

13. Revelation No. 2 about Adrian Grenier: Though she never had “actual sex” with him, “He had the biggest penis I’d ever seen — and the biggest bush! Even though we had that in common, it just was never meant to be.”

60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The "Bachelor" Book

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HBO / Via globalgrind.com

14. Nor were things perfect with Jesse Metcalfe.

Nor were things perfect with Jesse Metcalfe.

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ABC

“The sex was pretty average. Jesse needed a lot of reassurance.”

15. And: “Jesse was also, by his own admission, an alcoholic and an addict.”

And: "Jesse was also, by his own admission, an alcoholic and an addict."

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Kevork Djansezian / Reuters

16. On another note, Courtney decided to get implants. “I absolutely love them and would highly recommend implants to any woman who doesn’t like being flat chested and wants to feel sexier. So there.”

On another note, Courtney decided to get implants. "I absolutely love them and would highly recommend implants to any woman who doesn't like being flat chested and wants to feel sexier. So there."

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Valerie Macon / Getty Images

17. She also became obsessed with The Bachelor during the Brad Womack season (his second one, I believe). A fan of the show, and particularly of Ben during Ashley Hebert’s Bachelorette run, she decided to apply.

She also became obsessed with The Bachelor during the Brad Womack season (his second one, I believe). A fan of the show, and particularly of Ben during Ashley Hebert's Bachelorette run, she decided to apply.

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ABC

A snippet from her Bachelor audition grilling: “‘Do you have a sex tape?’ ‘Yes.’ I had at least three.”

She got on the show.

18. “It was official. I was going on The Bachelor, one of the most iconic shows in the history of television.”

"It was official. I was going on The Bachelor , one of the most iconic shows in the history of television."

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ABC

But even on the first night, she felt she did not fit in. “The other two girls in my limo were the unbelievably named Amber Bacon and Anna Snowball.”

19. She disliked nearly everybody on first sight.

She disliked nearly everybody on first sight.

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ABC

“Emily O’Brien, a stringy-haired Ph.D. candidate studying epidemiology, kept giving out hand sanitizer and talking about sexually transmitted diseases.”

20. Neither Monica nor Blakeley made a good impression either.

Neither Monica nor Blakeley made a good impression either.

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ABC

“They didn’t look like lesbians; they looked like fools. Plus, the next day they got into a fight and hated each other the rest of the time on the show.”

21. During Ben’s season, they traveled to a different place every week rather than staying in one house. It was a tense situation with physical repercussions.

During Ben's season, they traveled to a different place every week rather than staying in one house. It was a tense situation with physical repercussions.

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ABC

Nicki became cranky. “In all fairness to Nicki, everybody may have been extra uptight because, TMI alert, nobody was pooping.”

22. As filming went on, Courtney became more vilified by most of the cast, though Ben seemed to like her. She didn’t try much with the other ladies.

As filming went on, Courtney became more vilified by most of the cast, though Ben seemed to like her. She didn't try much with the other ladies.

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ABC

“‘How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?’ I joked, quoting my favorite movie The Blind Side.”

23. Also, they tended to self-destruct. “When Ben gingerly told Blakeley to give him some space, she ended up crouching in the fetal position in a corner of the luggage room sobbing.”

Also, they tended to self-destruct. "When Ben gingerly told Blakeley to give him some space, she ended up crouching in the fetal position in a corner of the luggage room sobbing."

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ABC / Via lovejennyxoxo.blogspot.com

24. “Rumor had it that our cast was the drunkest the producers had ever seen.”

ABC

 

25. There was a lot of downtime. “With absolutely nothing else to do, I journaled for two hours.”

There was a lot of downtime. "With absolutely nothing else to do, I journaled for two hours."

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ABC

“A couple of the women, who shall remain nameless (Nicki), gained ten to fifteen pounds during taping.”

26. When Shawntel Newton, a contestant from a previous season, showed up as a surprise because she liked Ben, everyone revolted.

ABC

ABC

 

“When we figured out who she was, everyone completely fell apart. We’re talking crying, cursing, criticizing her thighs. It was ugly.”

Ben sent Shawntel home.

27. Things weren’t all bad, though. “Kacie B was the first one who figured out how to poo.”

Things weren't all bad, though. "Kacie B was the first one who figured out how to poo."

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ABC

28. Courtney ordered laxatives. But before they came, she spent some time hating Emily.

ABC

ABC

 

29. The laxatives worked before and during the baseball date. “My rear end was making such crazy loud noises I was dying laughing and crying out in pain at the same time.”

The laxatives worked before and during the baseball date. "My rear end was making such crazy loud noises I was dying laughing and crying out in pain at the same time."

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ABC

“What if I pooped my shorts on The Bachelor in front of 8 million viewers?”

30. Courtney focused some hatred on Kacie B, a key rival. She maybe regrets it a little?

60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The "Bachelor" Book

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ABC / Via theberry.com

“Bitter about Kacie B, and thinking about her in the baseball uniform, I blurted out, ‘She’s just like a little girl in a little boy’s body.’ At this point, I didn’t know she’d overcome a serious eating disorder.”

31. She began plotting alone time with Ben, enlisting producers. She invited him to go skinny dipping. “I wanted to make sure Ben was spontaneous and fun. I need to be honest here: I also wanted to check out the equipment.”

She began plotting alone time with Ben, enlisting producers. She invited him to go skinny dipping. "I wanted to make sure Ben was spontaneous and fun. I need to be honest here: I also wanted to check out the equipment."

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ABC

32. “To answer your question, yes, Ben and I did have sex in the ocean. On-camera. It was immediate but it was only for about twenty seconds and, um, it was just the tip.”

"To answer your question, yes, Ben and I did have sex in the ocean. On-camera. It was immediate but it was only for about twenty seconds and, um, it was just the tip."

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ABC

33. Having sex with Ben, however briefly, reminded Courtney that she loves sex. At her next stop, “I wanted Calgon to take me away, hint hint.”

Having sex with Ben, however briefly, reminded Courtney that she loves sex. At her next stop, "I wanted Calgon to take me away, hint hint."

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blushingbasics.com

(She means she wanted to masturbate.)

34. Courtney was ready to leave communal living behind. “I had such a strong hatred for the girls by this point and they hated me back just as passionately.”

ABC

 

“Rachel told me about Kacie B and Nicki’s witch-hunt during their date, so when I left for my date, I infamously shouted at them, ‘Bye! Can’t stand you all!’”

35. “After the champagne toast with the final four — Lindzi, Nicki, Kacie B, and me — it hit me like Chris Brown. I was done living with the other girls!”

60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The "Bachelor" Book

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ABC

(“Hit me like Chris Brown” is a truly terrible thing to say or write. Seriously.)

36. It was time for her hometown date. Ben came to Scottsdale. “When Ben arrived, he was having a bad hair day. He looked like Francine from those Arthur cartoons on PBS, and yet I was still very attracted to him.”

PBS

ABC

 

37. Having made it through the hometown dates, the three remaining contestants — Courtney, Nicki, and Lindzi — went to Switzerland. Fantasy Suite time. More sex!

Having made it through the hometown dates, the three remaining contestants — Courtney, Nicki, and Lindzi — went to Switzerland. Fantasy Suite time. More sex!

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ABC

“We immediately ripped each other’s clothes off and had intense, passionate sex on the couch in front of the fire. Producers had left a cell phone for us in case of emergency, but they did not leave us any condoms.”

I found the no condoms assertion shocking, actually. How was that possible? Warner Bros., the studio that produces The Bachelor, had no comment.

38. As with Jesse Metcalfe before him, Ben did not really impress Courtney. “Our sex was pretty good, but pretty textbook.”

Pixar

 

“We did every position under the sun, but I believe I sealed the deal when we successfully completed the reverse cowgirl.”

Jessie (pictured above) is not the cowgirl she means! When you use Google image search for “cowgirl,” by the way, it’s a real mixed bag.

39. Finale time. “Now that Ben had become acquainted with my vagina, naturally it was time for me to get acquainted with his mother.”

Finale time. "Now that Ben had become acquainted with my vagina, naturally it was time for me to get acquainted with his mother."

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ABC

They hated each other. But he picked Courtney anyway!

40. Now engaged, Courtney and Ben began their lives together, but had to keep the result a secret. As we know from the Nemo incident in the prologue, things started out rocky.

Now engaged, Courtney and Ben began their lives together, but had to keep the result a secret. As we know from the Nemo incident in the prologue, things started out rocky.

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ABC

Before they left Switzerland, they set up new email accounts in order to communicate. “We came up with tootsmcgooterson for Ben and mrstootsmcgooterson for me. The names are really sexy — stemming from his immediate ease passing gas in front of me and my love of bathroom humor.”

The show had wrapped filming in November, and premiered in early January, but it would be longer than that until they could come out as a couple.

41. They just didn’t get along all that well when they’d see each other during secret “Happy Couple” weekends.

They just didn't get along all that well when they'd see each other during secret "Happy Couple" weekends.

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Lululemon / Via shop.lululemon.com

“Ben was gone one entire day and spent much of our time together on his computer, wearing a Lululemon workout outfit, which was kind of a turnoff.”

42. When the show premiered, their relationship got much worse. Ben turned on her for her on-camera behavior. Paparazzi began to follow Courtney, and their relationship became glossy magazine fodder.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

 

“I was called ‘a flaming bag of cunt’ by one commenter.” And: “I was getting less work since the show had started airing.” Their relationship barely existed. “I finally stopped crying. I was over Ben Flajnik and his bullshit.”

43. Basically broken up, Courtney had to face the other women at the taping of the “Women Tell All” episode. She decided to try to be totally contrite. It didn’t necessarily work.

Basically broken up, Courtney had to face the other women at the taping of the "Women Tell All" episode. She decided to try to be totally contrite. It didn't necessarily work.

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ABC / Via okhereisthesituation.com

Everyone yelled at her. One of the yellers was Emily. “I absolute despised this walking disease expert, but this time I had no choice. I had to swallow my pride, bend over, and take it up the tailpipe.”

44. In an unlikely turn, after the taping, Courtney and Ben went to a “Happy Couple” house and got back together. He apologized. “I’m embarrassed to say that’s all it took for me to cave.”

In an unlikely turn, after the taping, Courtney and Ben went to a "Happy Couple" house and got back together. He apologized. "I'm embarrassed to say that's all it took for me to cave."

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ABC / Via okhereisthesituation.com

“Ben even toyed with the idea of us giving the ring back and bailing on our commitment to finish the show.”

45. Soon, Ben found out what it was like to be the target of the gossip press.

Soon, Ben found out what it was like to be the target of the gossip press.

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Us Weekly

“I oddly also felt bad for Ben.” She decided to support him.

46. This relationship was clearly the worst. Why in god’s name were they sticking with it?

Paramount Pictures

 

“There was no way I was going to give up now. That’d be like Sid in An Officer and a Gentleman and we all know how that ended. He went DOR with less than two weeks until graduation, and then killed himself.”

47. Things didn’t get better after they could come out as a couple. No one was rooting for them.

Things didn't get better after they could come out as a couple. No one was rooting for them.

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People

“The end result of the show was so depressing and unpopular that the interview we’d done for People magazine was bumped off the cover for The Hunger Games.”

48. Hard up for work because no one wanted to cast the villain from The Bachelor as a model, Courtney got offered an alternate spot on Dancing With the Stars.

Hard up for work because no one wanted to cast the villain from The Bachelor as a model, Courtney got offered an alternate spot on Dancing With the Stars .

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ABC

“The payday was incredible: $125,000 just to show up and $30,000 for every week I made it through. Cha-ching!” Ben was jealous. “‘If you do it,’ he added coldly, ‘you won’t have a fiancé.’” She dropped out.

49. According to Courtney, Ben’s life in San Francisco involved 1) partying 2) promoting his winery 3) always having a lot of p

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/kateaurthur/bachelor-book-courtney-robertson-ben-flajnik

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