1. A date/location title card will appear in the ~signature~ AHS font.
2. You will want to pee your pants from excitement.
3. And you’ll be like, â€œWhat kind of horrifying/crazy/sassy shenanigans will happen THIS season?â€
4. Someone unimportant dies a super dramatic, horrifying death. They may or may not be Adam Levine.
5. You’ll be like, â€œCan we just skip the gruesome death and get right to the good stuff aka Jessica FUCKING Lange?â€
6. Jessica Lange appears and her wig looks larger-than-life, probably to match her personality.
7. She’s also killing it in a wrap dress.
8. There will be an excessive amount of creepy fisheye lens shots. Because ~art~.
9. There will also be a jarring camera angle that’s only flattering on Jessica Lange, the queen herself.
10. Several times during the season, unbelievably awkward sex will happen.
11. You won’t want to hook up with anyone again, until you see Evan Peters.
12. And you’ll forever feel weird about sex.
13. A serial killer will do something EXTRA terrifying. There are serial killers, and then there are serial killers on AHS.
14. Jessica Lange will have at least three super-sassy one liners per episode, probably more.
15. Because that’s what you’re here for, right?
16. Like, she’ll be sassy enough that your Tumblr feed is basically Jessica Lange GIFs for the next few months.
17. Something unfortunate will happen to Sarah Paulson’s character. Poor Sarah Paulson.
18. And no one cares. Except for you, MAYBE.
19. Something totally normal will happen, but the music will make you feel like you could shit your pants in fear.
20. Evan Peters will yell at something because he is upset. Because, ~angst~.
21. He’s also the resident man candy for the show, so you are totally attracted to him.
22. You’ll feel weird about this attraction, because inevitably he plays a fucked-up character.
23. Emma Roberts will act like an Ice Queen and will think she can give Jessica Lange a run for her money.
24. But we all know that’s impossible.
25. You’ll keep your hopes up for a surprise Connie Britton or Zachary Quinto return.
26. Some strange cover of a song will happen at least once during the season â€” think â€œThe Name Gameâ€ or â€œLife On Mars.â€
27. The song will make you go WTF and question what you’re watching. Like, you’ll be scratching your head.
28. But despite that, you’ll be up and ready to dance.
29. A new actor will be cast and you wonder how they’ll fit in with the big dogs. Seriously, JLange will toast you.
30. They nail it. Looking at you, Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates.
31. More zingers from Jessica Lange.
32. Something so disturbing will happen, you don’t know how to react appropriately. Like, how DOES one react to a terrifying, murderous clown?
33. At least once during the season, someone that doesn’t watch the show will walk in during the most awkward part of the episode, and ask what’s happening.
34. You don’t even have time to begin to explain. It justâ€¦ won’t make sense.
35. Some character will inevitably be attracted to Evan Peters.
36. And you realize that you’re STILL attracted to Evan Peters. SMDH.
37. A character will cryâ€¦ hysterically. I mean, this is a HORROR STORY, technically.
38. And it will probably be Sarah Paulson. Poor, poor Sarah Paulson.
39. Someone will show up in sassy sunglasses.
40. Francis Conroy will say something batshit crazy in her weird, mousy voice.
41. Someone will complain really loudly about something trivial to Jessica Lange, because clearly they don’t know what they’re doing.
42. And Jessica Lange will put them in their place with a breathy shutdown.
43. There will be at least three â€” probably more! â€” insane plot twists that may or may not make you want to fall out of your chair.
44. And more people will die.
45. And then the season will come to a roller-coaster finish. You’ll be gasping for air, but it will be worth it.
46. You will have nightmares about the season. Forever. And dream about how you can become the next Supreme.
47. And those nightmares will continue until next season. Which OBVIOUSLY can’t come soon enough.