Because if ironing your hair with an actual iron hasn’t killed you yet, nothing can.
If you’re reading this and your birthday is pre-1970, you’ve already won…
At Darwin’s game of survival, that is! Why? Because you’ve been through some crazy experimental and neglectful shit in your time and the fact that you aren’t wearing a permanent pair of crazy pants means you must be evolved or something!!!
Here are some “normal” things from your childhood that are actually insane…
1. Hair care was very different.
Hooray for not getting lit on fire!
2. Car seat technology was kind of a joke.
Because a metal headband will definitely keep me from being catapulted out of this poorly-protected death trap.
3. Everyone had very interesting ideas about orange juice.
Because whoever is responsible for making Ranch dressing must have their health priorities in the right places.
4. Smoking on planes was a fun thing to do.
Because sitting in an encapsulated smoke tube for hours isn’s dangerous AT ALL.
6. This seemed like a reasonable thing to touch your face with.
I’m not sure how this e-cigarette with a harmonic attachment qualified as a razor.
7. Advertisements offered helpful tips on how to suffocate your baby.
The fact that babies made it through those formative weeks = A miracle.
8. Salad came in fun shapes.
I repeat: “Salad gelatin in VEGETABLE flavors.”
9. Gunpowder toys were fun for the whole family!
The trusty Gilbert Chemistry Set contained chemicals like highly flammable potassium permanganate and ammonium nitrate (a chemical used in homemade bombs). The fact that any nerds survived into their adult years is amazing.
10. But not quite as much fun as playing with hot metal and molten plastic
Creepy Crawlers taught valuable life lessons like “try not to burn the shit out of yourself” and also “toxic things exist”. Because molten plastic is totally skin-friendly.
11. Lead was literally everywhere, all the time.
The July 1904 edition of Sherwin-Williams monthly publication reported that lead paint was “poisonous in a large degree, both for the workmen and for the inhabitants of a house painted with lead colors.” But who cares about workmen and your home inhabitants.
12. This hairstyle alone could drive you to drink.
Damn that Shirley Temple!
13. Everyone agreed that helmets were silly and unnecessary.
Because getting punched in the head is what skulls are for.
14. Asbestos! So pretty!
I’mmm dreaming of a white…carcinogennnnnn.
15. Exercise meant standing still while a machine jiggled your butt for you.
Because why work your body when you could just be vibrated by a big hugging machine?
16. Drinking and driving? NBD!
Because laws shmaws.
17. The draft.
Young men were basically either in the jungle getting shot at or at home doing drugs in a field.
18. Skateboards were significantly less tricked out.
Literally a piece of plywood with wheels knocked on.